My good friend Emily said these words during one of the hardest parts of her story last year. I am clinging to them now.

We are in an unprecedented crisis in our country. Our world has literally been turned upside down. For me, and many other military spouses, this feels all too familiar. The uncertainty, the lack of information, the constantly changing guidelines, and immediate major change of plans are all things that our military is used to.  Our family's life has been uprooted before, however, we had immediate resources available to us at that time with clear structure on how to proceed. The uncertainty and heartache surrounding this current crisis is devastating to say the least. 

Yesterday, I watched my son process his world being shattered for the second time in his life. Everything that he loves... sports, his friends, his community, school... gone for the immediate future. Our Governor closed school for the remainder of the 2019-2020 year. Our district is now scrambling to find ways to meet the needs of students using distance learning opportunities. Our teachers and administration are amazing! They are working their tails off to try and do their absolute best for the students in our district. They are as heartbroken as we are. Our kids became their kids. They know and love them for all that they are, and all they can be. They see potential in them that we may tend to miss. 

One of the pieces that makes this hurt so differently, is that it was a decision that our Governor made; this wasn't an act of God such as a tornado or hurricane. I applaud her for doing all in her power to try and keep our kids and communities safe, but dang this still hurts. Some of you may be reading this thinking, but you're so blessed! That's another reason why I cried last night. The ramifications of this crisis are going to be devastating for so many families in more ways than one. Our children have known heartache, but have led a very privileged life overall. We are fully aware of how incredibly blessed we are, but being blessed does not mean that we don't feel pain, sadness, or grief when things we love suddenly disappear.

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A few weeks ago, I cried when I realized how few years we had left with our kids at home. This was our final year in elementary. I cried because I felt like I've failed. I felt like I hadn't done enough and there just wasn't enough time to fix it. I lamented that my children didn't know the Bible the way that I did by their age, that we spent so much time going to practices, games, and events, we would rarely see each other on certain days. I hated that I felt like I had missed out on entire seasons, years even, with my kids thanks to my anxiety & depression. I had spent so much time trying to numb my own life, I was missing theirs. 

And now, here we are...smack dab in the middle of the biggest pandemic facing our country in the last 100 years. We are home. We have no where to be but together. We have meals, we are safe, have steady incomes, are able to help our friends and neighbors, and we are currently healthy. I can see hope springing up.

I fully believe that in the midst of grief, anxiety, despair, uncertainty, and desperation hope can be found. We can find it in new life circumstances, trying new things, in serving those around us, and finding what we thought was lost forever. 

There is hope in this. 

Last night I made a list of all the things I want to teach my children during this season and some things I want to learn. I added doing their own laundry (they know how, but we need a better routine), and learning note taking/study skills, but I also added things like the story of King David, a regular yoga practice and learning to paint with watercolors. I asked both kids to make me a list of 5 things they each want to learn about. I said "it can be anything: a city, a point in history, an experiment, a person, how to make something, a language, whatever you are interested in learning more about". I want them to know that I value what they are interested in during this stage of their life. This has not always been something I am good at. And for the first time, we truly have the time to devote to this. I have not gotten a response yet but I'm interested to see what they come up with. "Homeschooling" my kids was never something I wanted to do, and this is coming from someone who grew wanting to be a teacher! I am so grateful I will not be doing this alone. I need the instruction and plans their amazing teachers will be providing. I also know that I need to be truly intentional with this time with them and make the most of this opportunity. 

So today, I will choose hope. I will choose to be grateful for the resources we have been given, the opportunities we have, and how God is going to move in and through this time together. No matter how out of control this situation seems, there is hope and we are not alone in this. While we can't all go grab a cup of coffee together (how good does that sound right now?!) we can still be there for each other. Please reach out if you need help. And if you can be a help to others, do that...

...and wash your freaking hands. xoxo

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PS: My friend Emily, makes the most amazing handmade soaps. You can find her www.livesimplesoap.com . Seriously, best soap ever. 

Too many changes, not enough coffee...

And here we are....FALL. No blogging done during the last year.

I feel awful about it.

There is not enough coffee in the world to make me feel better about it.

There is also not enough coffee to solve my issues that have kept me from blogging.

As my friend Kelli said recently,

"If those of us who struggle, as much as I struggle, are ashamed of it, we're never going to get anywhere". 

And the thing is, I am tired.

Tired of struggling, tired of feeling like I am failing, feeling alone, and overwhelmed.

and I'm guessing you are too. So many of us are. Don't get me wrong, I have great people in my life who love me well, but I think its the nature of our society today to be stressed out.
Do more. BE MORE. All the freaking time. And when we fall, getting back up is harder and harder.

So how do we stop?

All the things...

I have this grand idea of what I wish my life looked like.

It's pretty.

That vision is full of pottery barn furniture in a spotless house, kids who always listen, money that never ends, and having the time to do all the things I want to do, including ministry, blogging, family time, crafts, and worship.

It's a fairy-tale. Plain and simple. My life has never looked like that and probably never will. I will not ever have all the money, or all the time in the world to do ALL THE THINGS. I might someday have some pottery barn (knockoff) furniture, and my kids sometimes listen (rarely). I do get to do ministry, build stuff, and worship, but I feel like a frazzled mess through most of it.

and that's okay. 

I'm stating this to remind myself that it's alright to not have it all together all the time. It's fine that I am basically starting over (again). The beginnings of Spring and of Fall seem to be my renewal seasons. Funny how God does that. He takes this time of natural change and allows me to be a part of it.

Peace and Joy

My prayers the last few weeks have been unfamiliar. Change is coming in our life. Some of it was expected (like school), while some is new and more challenging (like saying goodbye to our dog Bailey). I don't like change. I don't like going through hard places. I hate the unknown. I am tormented by the thought that everything could be gone in the blink of an eye.

Its what anxiety does. It takes a small thing that you think you understand and asks you so many questions about it that the small thing begins to unravel. You begin to wonder how you could have ever trusted that small thing, that thought, in the first place.

And when you couple anxiety with depression you get a slippery slope of doom. Think Wipeout obstacle course, but in complete darkness. You never know what new thing is going to send you spiraling towards the icy water.

I'm incredibly grateful for the gift of being able to see my anxiety and depression for what they are. I can identify them and reach out to those who I know can help hold me accountable for my actions.
I can reach for truth and grace and find my footing again; I see the small lamp that lights the very next step.

Right now the next step is an MRI of my hip next week.

Me waiting for-ev-er at the doctors office

I may have a torn labrum (the part that holds your femur into your hip). A fall at camp in July only further aggravated the discomfort I had been having all summer. If I am up and around too much it begins to bother me. I never know when certain movements will cause sharp, shooting pain and make me want to scream bloody murder.

Seeing the doctor about my hip was a "small thing". It knew something was wrong but it had taken me most of the summer to be seen about it, 2-3 weeks after my fall even, because I didn't think I was hurt that badly. It was supposed to be something simple. Instead it unraveled and turned into a meeting with the orthopedic clinic, x-rays, an MRI, a meeting with the surgeon, and physical therapy for the foreseeable future. I am facing the possibility of surgery and a difficult recovery, depending on the severity of my injury.

I have had to put all of our current plans for the fall/winter on hold until I know for sure how bad it is. The anxiety of not knowing, of not being able to plan, worrying about all the possible bad things that could happen in surgery, how will I take care of my family, not being able to commit to anything, how will I ever finish all the things that need to be done at the house...... Its eating me alive.

And of course, because I have depression, its like the wind got knocked right out of me. I'm angry. Its how my depression comes out. I'm not a sad, crying mess all day. I get out of bed (although I don't really want to), but I am not all sunshine and roses. I'm pissed off at everything and everyone for basically no reason. The slightest things set me off, and make me just want to crawl back into bed. I have good moments too. Ones where you would never ever know that I even battle depression. I'm so grateful for them because it means that I still have hope.

I am so happy I am a part of Dauntless Grace Ministries.

Hope is what drives me. It keeps me from going completely under. It allows me to take my thoughts captive and rein them in; it gives me a chance to choose peace and joy. I love hope.

So for today, I am choosing

Peace & Joy. 

Because with all the changes coming our way in the next few months, I need God more than ever. His love, that perfect love, brings me peace and joy in a way that I could never duplicate.

Jesus said to his disciples,

 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14: 27 (NIV)


Here is to a new season of hard things that are only going to make me stronger.
I'm are going to need lots of coffee.




*All opinions and images are my own and may not be used without express written consent.*