My good friend Emily said these words during one of the hardest parts of her story last year. I am clinging to them now.

We are in an unprecedented crisis in our country. Our world has literally been turned upside down. For me, and many other military spouses, this feels all too familiar. The uncertainty, the lack of information, the constantly changing guidelines, and immediate major change of plans are all things that our military is used to.  Our family's life has been uprooted before, however, we had immediate resources available to us at that time with clear structure on how to proceed. The uncertainty and heartache surrounding this current crisis is devastating to say the least. 

Yesterday, I watched my son process his world being shattered for the second time in his life. Everything that he loves... sports, his friends, his community, school... gone for the immediate future. Our Governor closed school for the remainder of the 2019-2020 year. Our district is now scrambling to find ways to meet the needs of students using distance learning opportunities. Our teachers and administration are amazing! They are working their tails off to try and do their absolute best for the students in our district. They are as heartbroken as we are. Our kids became their kids. They know and love them for all that they are, and all they can be. They see potential in them that we may tend to miss. 

One of the pieces that makes this hurt so differently, is that it was a decision that our Governor made; this wasn't an act of God such as a tornado or hurricane. I applaud her for doing all in her power to try and keep our kids and communities safe, but dang this still hurts. Some of you may be reading this thinking, but you're so blessed! That's another reason why I cried last night. The ramifications of this crisis are going to be devastating for so many families in more ways than one. Our children have known heartache, but have led a very privileged life overall. We are fully aware of how incredibly blessed we are, but being blessed does not mean that we don't feel pain, sadness, or grief when things we love suddenly disappear.

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A few weeks ago, I cried when I realized how few years we had left with our kids at home. This was our final year in elementary. I cried because I felt like I've failed. I felt like I hadn't done enough and there just wasn't enough time to fix it. I lamented that my children didn't know the Bible the way that I did by their age, that we spent so much time going to practices, games, and events, we would rarely see each other on certain days. I hated that I felt like I had missed out on entire seasons, years even, with my kids thanks to my anxiety & depression. I had spent so much time trying to numb my own life, I was missing theirs. 

And now, here we are...smack dab in the middle of the biggest pandemic facing our country in the last 100 years. We are home. We have no where to be but together. We have meals, we are safe, have steady incomes, are able to help our friends and neighbors, and we are currently healthy. I can see hope springing up.

I fully believe that in the midst of grief, anxiety, despair, uncertainty, and desperation hope can be found. We can find it in new life circumstances, trying new things, in serving those around us, and finding what we thought was lost forever. 

There is hope in this. 

Last night I made a list of all the things I want to teach my children during this season and some things I want to learn. I added doing their own laundry (they know how, but we need a better routine), and learning note taking/study skills, but I also added things like the story of King David, a regular yoga practice and learning to paint with watercolors. I asked both kids to make me a list of 5 things they each want to learn about. I said "it can be anything: a city, a point in history, an experiment, a person, how to make something, a language, whatever you are interested in learning more about". I want them to know that I value what they are interested in during this stage of their life. This has not always been something I am good at. And for the first time, we truly have the time to devote to this. I have not gotten a response yet but I'm interested to see what they come up with. "Homeschooling" my kids was never something I wanted to do, and this is coming from someone who grew wanting to be a teacher! I am so grateful I will not be doing this alone. I need the instruction and plans their amazing teachers will be providing. I also know that I need to be truly intentional with this time with them and make the most of this opportunity. 

So today, I will choose hope. I will choose to be grateful for the resources we have been given, the opportunities we have, and how God is going to move in and through this time together. No matter how out of control this situation seems, there is hope and we are not alone in this. While we can't all go grab a cup of coffee together (how good does that sound right now?!) we can still be there for each other. Please reach out if you need help. And if you can be a help to others, do that...

...and wash your freaking hands. xoxo

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PS: My friend Emily, makes the most amazing handmade soaps. You can find her www.livesimplesoap.com . Seriously, best soap ever. 

Mother of a Monday... on a Tuesday

*I wrote this last Tuesday and never got it posted, but it it is still so relevant this week...so grab some coffee and read on...

My friend Lee said those words to me earlier today. In her amazing southern accent that I can't get enough of.

"It's been a mother of a Monday... on a Tuesday."

My kids are home from school again today. This is day 5...and a half. Parent Teacher Conferences were last week and so they had a half day Thursday, off Friday for teacher in-service, off Monday for Presidents day, and today...oh today. I woke up at 5:35am to my phone ringing and heard the wonderful sound of their Superintendent cancelling school because of an ice storm.
Let's add in the fact that I have been sick for over a week, the house is a disaster, I needed to go to the store today, and we all have cabin fever after a lazy weekend.....

It's been a mother of a Monday... on a Tuesday.

Lee could say this because she is also having a mother of a day. Her 9 year old broke his finger and had to go to urgent care this morning. He now looks like he is part Hulk with his awesome green cast.

Even though both of us are having hard days, the kind that make us soul weary, the one thing we are both counting on is for Jesus to show up in the hard places. And boy does He ever.

After the phone rang at o-dark-thirty, I tried to go back to sleep. I just couldn't. I felt an urge to get out of bed (which is odd, cause mornings aren't magical). I even went out and made coffee. By the time I made it back to my room, hubs was up and starting to get ready. So, I did the thing my soul has been craving... I sat in the presence of the Lord.

Quiet space.
Bible open.
Calm mind.

I opened up to Isaiah 41. I love this book, and I really love this chapter. I opened to this same chapter on another rough day over 6 years ago while en route from Landstuhl, Germany to Dover Air Force Base in Washington DC. The 21 year old on the bunk above Jeremy had lost both legs, and was at risk of losing his right arm. While I was praying and reading my Bible on the flight, I ended up in Isaiah 41. I ended up asking this soldier if I could pray for him and I read these verses over him...

"8 But as for you, Israel my servant,
     Jacob my chosen one, 
descended from Abraham my friend,
9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
   saying 'You are my servant.'
For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.
10 Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
   Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

Isaiah 41:8-10 NLT

This morning, it was still as powerful but with new meaning. You see, today was rough because lately life has been rough. I am dealing with some chronic health issues that are unresolved. We are trying to buy a house. My oldest is in middle school (aka the armpit of parenting). It's just been rough.

Through all this, I truly believe that God has stood with us. He called both my husband and I out of dark places for a purpose, and I am not going to give up that notion.

A post shared by IF:Gathering (@ifgathering) on Feb 9, 2018 at 5:35pm PST

and maybe He is calling you out of there too.

What do you need right now? Is it more time in the word, or just some quiet? Maybe it's another cup of coffee... yeah, coffee would be nice right now.

Too many changes, not enough coffee...

And here we are....FALL. No blogging done during the last year.

I feel awful about it.

There is not enough coffee in the world to make me feel better about it.

There is also not enough coffee to solve my issues that have kept me from blogging.

As my friend Kelli said recently,

"If those of us who struggle, as much as I struggle, are ashamed of it, we're never going to get anywhere". 

And the thing is, I am tired.

Tired of struggling, tired of feeling like I am failing, feeling alone, and overwhelmed.

and I'm guessing you are too. So many of us are. Don't get me wrong, I have great people in my life who love me well, but I think its the nature of our society today to be stressed out.
Do more. BE MORE. All the freaking time. And when we fall, getting back up is harder and harder.

So how do we stop?

Its been a while...

So many things have happened, some have gone right and many have gone wrong, and everything changed.

I've changed.

And definitely not in the ways that I thought I would. I took a look back at my blog posts and realized that some of those same demons that I have fought in my past, still define me. New ones have also crept in.
I have been living in a hard reality.

For the last year, I have let grief define me. It came in multiple forms, and under many circumstances, but I'm finally dealing with it.

I'm finally beginning to heal.

I can see the beauty in the storm.

I'm gonna need more coffee for this...

I started to title this post "Where Religion Meets Relationship". I immediately deleted it.

All I could think was there isn't enough coffee in the world to help me write this post.

This week I sat with my young life girls and we talked about prayer. We talked about it being an act of obedience, how it has many different forms, and how it defines our relationship with our creator. We decided to get our booties in the habit of prayer before the start of each day by just texting each other to say we are praying. I am helping this week by prompting them with the YouVersion Bible app verse-of-the-day. and a short prayer related to it. They are sharing requests for prayer and beginning to see what a prayer community looks like...

...just a group of people who love Jesus and want to be in relationship with Him, together.

All the things...

I have this grand idea of what I wish my life looked like.

It's pretty.

That vision is full of pottery barn furniture in a spotless house, kids who always listen, money that never ends, and having the time to do all the things I want to do, including ministry, blogging, family time, crafts, and worship.

It's a fairy-tale. Plain and simple. My life has never looked like that and probably never will. I will not ever have all the money, or all the time in the world to do ALL THE THINGS. I might someday have some pottery barn (knockoff) furniture, and my kids sometimes listen (rarely). I do get to do ministry, build stuff, and worship, but I feel like a frazzled mess through most of it.

and that's okay. 

I'm stating this to remind myself that it's alright to not have it all together all the time. It's fine that I am basically starting over (again). The beginnings of Spring and of Fall seem to be my renewal seasons. Funny how God does that. He takes this time of natural change and allows me to be a part of it.

What God is doing in my life.

I have recently been blessed to join a group of women who all started out as rejects.
Yep, rejects.
5,000 of us applied to be part of a launch team for a new book coming out in August by the one and only, Jen Hatmaker.

Why yes those are halo's above our heads! HA! Just kidding y'all!
The sun was streaming into the Sprint Center at Women of Faith KC in 2013. 

Here is the thing...the launch team could only take 500. Meaning 4500 of us were left out.
And so we formed our own group! We were hell-bent on helping to promote the book anyway, and by grace, learned that we had a lot more in common than being rejected from the launch team.

Yes, we love Jen (and the entire Hatmaker clan for that matter).
Yes, we love Jesus.
Yes, we all got rejected from the original launch team.

And then Jen herself scolded us (in the sweetest & best way possible!). She reminded us that we are not the B-team. We aren't the rejects or unworthy or misfits. We were still called and chosen for a purpose. That we didn't need a title to belong.

We realized that we were moms and wives and sisters all nodding our heads at each thread in our group. Saying "me too", "I thought I was the only one", & "yes, I need prayers for that too". We battle anxiety, depression, divorce, fostering & adoption, kiddos with special needs, crazy family members, cancer, doubt, fear, shame, guilt, and of course, feelings of being unloved or unworthy.

As our group of the 4500 grew, we started some sub-groups. And the craziest one (with the most amazing collection of women) started their own ministry. Dauntless Grace Ministries to be exact. We desired a place to be real, vulnerable, and most importantly to share truth with each other. God's truth. We pray for one another, share our stories, and just love. Cause that's what we were asked to do.

Truth also heals.

"Healing only occurs when Truth is brought to the surface. We will not allow each other to stay in the place of brokenness. John 1:15 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not over come it." Grace pulls us out of our muck and sets us on a new path." -DGM

If you could use some encouragement, some light shone into dark places, or a place to be real...check us out. I am so proud of my friend Megan for obeying God and taking on this new venture. It's going to be amazing. Won't you join us? Click the link above or join us on our facebook page.


Also, be sure to check out Jen's new book, For the Love, coming in August.