My prayers the last few weeks have been unfamiliar. Change is coming in our life. Some of it was expected (like school), while some is new and more challenging (like saying goodbye to our dog Bailey). I don't like change. I don't like going through hard places. I hate the unknown. I am tormented by the thought that everything could be gone in the blink of an eye.
Its what anxiety does. It takes a small thing that you think you understand and asks you so many questions about it that the small thing begins to unravel. You begin to wonder how you could have ever trusted that small thing, that thought, in the first place.
And when you couple anxiety with depression you get a slippery slope of doom. Think Wipeout obstacle course, but in complete darkness. You never know what new thing is going to send you spiraling towards the icy water.
I'm incredibly grateful for the gift of being able to see my anxiety and depression for what they are. I can identify them and reach out to those who I know can help hold me accountable for my actions.
I can reach for truth and grace and find my footing again; I see the small lamp that lights the very next step.
Right now the next step is an MRI of my hip next week.
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| Me waiting for-ev-er at the doctors office |
I may have a torn labrum (the part that holds your femur into your hip). A fall at camp in July only further aggravated the discomfort I had been having all summer. If I am up and around too much it begins to bother me. I never know when certain movements will cause sharp, shooting pain and make me want to scream bloody murder.
Seeing the doctor about my hip was a "small thing". It knew something was wrong but it had taken me most of the summer to be seen about it, 2-3 weeks after my fall even, because I didn't think I was hurt that badly. It was supposed to be something simple. Instead it unraveled and turned into a meeting with the orthopedic clinic, x-rays, an MRI, a meeting with the surgeon, and physical therapy for the foreseeable future. I am facing the possibility of surgery and a difficult recovery, depending on the severity of my injury.
I have had to put all of our current plans for the fall/winter on hold until I know for sure how bad it is. The anxiety of not knowing, of not being able to plan, worrying about all the possible bad things that could happen in surgery, how will I take care of my family, not being able to commit to anything, how will I ever finish all the things that need to be done at the house...... Its eating me alive.
And of course, because I have depression, its like the wind got knocked right out of me. I'm angry. Its how my depression comes out. I'm not a sad, crying mess all day. I get out of bed (although I don't really
want to), but I am not all sunshine and roses. I'm pissed off at everything and everyone for basically no reason. The slightest things set me off, and make me just want to crawl back into bed. I have good moments too. Ones where you would never ever know that I even battle depression. I'm so grateful for them because it means that I still have hope.
Hope is what drives me. It keeps me from going completely under. It allows me to take my thoughts captive and rein them in; it gives me a chance to choose peace and joy.
I love hope.
So for today, I am choosing
Peace & Joy.
Because with all the changes coming our way in the next few months, I need God more than ever. His love, that
perfect love, brings me peace and joy in a way that I could never duplicate.
Jesus said to his disciples,
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14: 27 (NIV)
Here is to a new season of hard things that are only going to make me stronger.
I'm are going to need
lots of coffee.
*All opinions and images are my own and may not be used without express written consent.*
